ANGRY ALL THE TIME

 

            Anger is a normal and necessary emotion.  It creates physiological changes in our bodies that prepare us to fight or flee when threatened.  However, some individuals become angry more frequently, more intensely, and with a greater negative impact on those around them.  Anger that repeatedly causes problems at work or at home is not normal. 

The singer of a current country song wonders, “I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time.”  If someone has said something similar to you, it may be a good idea to examine how your anger is affecting those around you and, if necessary, do something about it.  Anger that is explosive, frequent, unpredictable and aggressive can derail your work or destroy a marriage. 

A typical scenario a client might relate to me would be as follows.  Her husband is a hard-charger at work and very successful.  He comes home and becomes intensely angry as he recounts something that happened at work that day.  She knows he is not angry with her, but the intensity of his emotion and harshness of his words are extremely unpleasant to experience.  She wonders why she must catch the brunt of his anger when he can control it at work.  Why can’t he control it now?

Later that evening, his anger turns against her and the kids.  He blames her for things beyond her control.  He criticizes the kids.  He not only points out things that they could have done better, but also launches into a litany of their character faults.  By the end of the evening, the main objective in the house is avoiding dad and escaping the volcanic eruption of anger.  Mom and the kids wonder if they did do something wrong or if the hateful things said might be true.  And so self-doubt, battered self-esteem and false guilt are transmitted to the family members pummeled by an angry father. 

Destructive anger can be curbed if a person is willing to admit their problem and seek qualified professional help.  Anger management enables a person to reduce and manage angry feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes.  Learning to identify feelings early can equip help easily angered individuals address their irritations before a blow-up occurs.  Similarly, learning the bodily cues of mounting anger can alert someone to do something constructive. 

Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings.  These techniques, if used regularly through the day, can help maintain a calm that decreases the mounting tension and frustration that typically precedes an angry outburst.

Learning to change the way you think can also reduce anger.  Angry people often curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts.  Cognitive restructuring involves replacing exaggerated, incendiary thoughts with more rational and realistic thoughts.  Instead of thinking to yourself, ‘this is the worst thing that could happen,’ substitute ‘this is frustrating, but it’s not the end of world.’

These techniques for anger management may sound simple, but they are not easy to acquire and apply.  Learning to manage anger requires a significant investment of time and energy.  Perhaps the time has come for you or someone you know to get the help you need to not be angry all the time.